SEScoops’ Top 12 Spookiest Superstars in Wrestling History
by The Solomonster (thesolomonster@gmail.com)
“It’s close to midnight and something evil’s lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes
You’re paralyzed…”
– Thriller by Michael Jackson
With Halloween quickly approaching, it’s time to prepare for the trick or treaters, bust out the candy corns and razor blades, swing by the pumpkin patch, pop in a John Carpenter flick and take a look back at some of the most haunting personalities in wrestling history. I’ve personally chosen 12 for this list – some disturbing (though for very different reasons) and some that are so over the top ridiculous, I couldn’t bring myself NOT to list them. In no particular order, let the countdown begin. Enter at your own peril!
1. “The Human Wrecking Machine” Zeus (1989)
As a young Hulkamaniac, what could be scarier than a giant, jacked up, cross-eyed black dude with a “Z” carved into the side of his head who pounded his chest wildly and screamed real loud? I’ll tell you what – one who would grab someone in this weird head vice and SNAP their neck! Looking back, it is among the most preposterous moves of all time, but the fact is, to a young child, the Zeus character was rather unsettling. Add to that, the man spoke in broken sentence fragments seemingly having flunked out of school in the 2nd grade, so you could barely understand a word he was saying. The movie No Holds Barred, for which the Zeus persona was conceived as an adversary to Hulk Hogan’s “Rip” character, is a classic piece of cinema that deserves to be preserved on DVD. I would later learn to love the man known as Tiny Lister from his many other movie roles (Deebo!), but have not yet forgiven him for the atrocity known as Vegas Vampires.
2. The Undertaker (1999)
How can you have a list like this and not include the man responsible for giving us casket matches and Paul Bearer? The gong, the hearse, that damn black crow, the druids, the lightning bolts, THE URN. It is, perhaps, the greatest gimmicked brainchild to come from Vince McMahon and the character has stood the test of time (20 years to be exact), though not without a few tweaks along the way. While I do feel the original incarnation remains the best, it is the tongue-talking Ministry Undertaker from the Attitude Era that is easily the most disturbing. “Where to, Stephanie?” is still one of the creepiest lines I’ve ever heard uttered. There’s also something about human sacrifices on TV that make me a tad bit uneasy. Really, you can lump in the entire Ministry faction in here with the Brood, Acolytes, Mideon and Viscera, but without GOTH TAKER, they never would have existed in the first place.
3. The Boogeyman (2005)
He was billed as hailing from “The Bottomless Pit”, only second in awesomeness to Damien Demento’s “Outer Reaches of Your Mind” (I believe Parts Unknown is located somewhere between these two). In reality, he hails from Phoenix, but I suppose bottomless pit is a fine description. Marty Wright was a 40-year old dude who lied about his age while auditioning for WWE’s Tough Enough show, so he was cut and that was that. Until the following year, that is, when these weird vignettes began airing on Smackdown, leading to the debut of The Boogeyman, a worm-eating freak with a fetish for smashing clocks over his head. His missing teeth, mohawk hairdo and red face paint made for quite the spectacle, but it was those damn worms that got to me. You can look at it as Boogeyman dishing out his own brand of organic snack in an effort to encourage healthy eating habits, but the thought of him spitting worms from his mouth into mine is enough to trigger my gag reflex.
4. Triple H (2002-2004)
Here’s a name I bet you didn’t expect to see on this list. You see, once upon a time, Triple H was one hell of a worker. Still is, to some degree, but in my opinion, he was never the same after he tore his quad … the first time. When his reign of terror began as World Heavyweight Champion on Raw in 2002, little did we know that dark days would lay ahead. Not only did he dominate the main event scene, he stole a page from Jason Voorhies and slaughtered virtually everyone that stood in his path, killing pushes for new stars and making veterans look stupid, too. He had some great battles with best-buddy Shawn Michaels, and was even kind enough to let him have a quick one month run with the title before taking it back like a petulant child wanting their ba-ba. He convinced WWE to cancel plans for a Rob Van Dam title run and beat him instead. He then moved on to Kane, who he beat, unifying the World and Intercontinental titles. He made Booker T look like a tool heading into WrestleMania 19 where, of course, he beat him with a single Pedigree. He beat his other buddy, Kevin Nash, in a terrible Cell match and just HAD to kill Goldberg’s momentum in the Elimination Chamber at Summerslam while even more immobile due to a groin injury (remember the biker shorts?). Vampire H sucked the blood from other assorted mid-carders on Raw as well, which he should have, but gave them nothing like he did in his great match with Taka Michinoku in 2000. His idol, Ric Flair, made a career out of winning matches while making others look good. He managed to do the exact opposite. Monday nights became an exercise in futility. Wrestlers were likely itching to be traded to Smackdown. I found myself itching for the remote.
5. The Giant Gonzalez (1993)
He was the tallest worker in the history of the business, just a mountain of a man. As El Gigante in WCW, he was simply a bad worker who had horrible matches (save for one good one with who else but Ric Flair). Vince McMahon saw dollar signs, but I guess he also figured that being a legit 7’7” tall wasn’t impressive enough, so he made him wear a suit with airbrushed abs and fur. Really. You look at him in that costume now and just can’t help but think he could use some grooming tips from “Dashing” Cody Rhodes. Can you say crotch itch? But back then, he made for a scary sight. Scary in how awful he was, but still, the image of this giant sasquach shaking referee Bill Alfonso around like a rag doll at WrestleMania 9 still haunts my dreams. He passed away several weeks ago and I can only hope he entered through those pearly gates wearing that furry outfit, just as yet another reminder to the Lord that Vince McMahon’s final resting place is down south, not up north.
6. The Zombie (2006)
Let’s set the stage. It’s the very first ECW on SyFy and the network wants some supernatural elements as part of the show. They have a martian backstage, but nobody can find the little guy. They see someone out of the corner of their eye, fill his jeans up with dirt, tear his shirt and get him to yell BRRRAAAAIINNNNSSS!!!! Just like that, a star is born. The Zombie would go on to cut one of the all-time great promos of our generation, one that puts even The Rock to shame. Zombies are, of course, members of the undead and the only way to kill one is by way of his head. Apparently, The Sandman had been studying his Zombie Survival Guide as he wailed away on the poor bastard’s skull with a kendo stick. Sadly, he was never to be seen on WWE TV again. To be honest, I really wanted to list him here so I can get a shameless plug in for my exclusive interview with The Zombie on Sound Off 129. My thanks to Mick Foley for teaching me well.
7. The Yeti (1995)
If you thought WCW was going to get out of this unscathed, think again. To be honest, they featured lots of silly shit over the years (Robocop, Arachnaman, The Shockmaster, Oz, Glacier, David Arquette), but the most atrocious had to have been wrapping Ron Reiss in toilet paper and having him thaw from a giant block of ice … as a giant mummy. They called him The Yeti, which doesn’t explain why Tony Schiavone referred to him as “THE YETAY!!!!” on commentary, but I digress. This is right up there with Triple H boinking the corpse of Katie Vick as a moment that makes you ashamed to be a wrestling fan. What makes this moment truly horrifying wasn’t so much the dumb reveal as it was what happened next. You see, Hulk Hogan had just lost a match to The Giant and soon found himself in the unenviable position of a double bearhug. At least, I think that’s what it was supposed to be because The Yeti appeared to be far more interested in dry humping the Hulkster. Perhaps the Iron Sheik was right about Hogan after all?
8. Naked Mideon (2000)
Here’s a horrifying gimmick I’m almost certain was a rib cooked up by Pat Patterson or Steve Lombardi. In a nutshell, they took Phineas Godwinn (by this point known simply as Mideon from the Ministry of Darkness) and sent him out to streak during random matches wearing nothing but a pair of boots, a thong, a fanny pack and a smile. All I know is I couldn’t seem to get Freddy Krueger out of my nightmares, but once Naked Mideon took up residence there, Freddy never did bother me again.
9. Brock Lesnar (2002-2003)
He was dubbed “The Next Big Thing” when he debuted on Raw and now, he’s the UFC Heavyweight Champion. It’s been a meteoric rise for Brock Lesnar who, during his WWE run, was legitimately one of the scariest people I’ve ever seen. I don’t mean scary like a vampire or a zombie, I mean scary in that you believed he could literally tear your limbs off with his bare hands and laugh about it. Lesnar was FREAKY strong and amazingly agile for a guy built like a tank. Week after week, he would toss around Big Show like he was a small child – a German suplex here, a belly-to-back suplex there, a running powerbomb out of the corner, and of course, his signature F-5 spinning slam. I once recall an episode of Smackdown where an enraged Lesnar grabbed Shannon Moore and delivered an overheard belly-to-belly suplex TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE RING. How Moore survived that is still a mystery to me. But what earns Brock a spot on this list is his treatment of poor Zach Gowen, the one-legged novelty act on Smackdown in 2003. Lesnar absolutely destroyed Gowen on one particular episode, bloodying him up and smashing his good leg repeatedly into the ring post, right in front of the kid’s mother in the front row. Weeks later, when Zach would reappear in a wheelchair, Lesnar tortured him by wheeling him through the arena and verbally terrorizing him before throwing him down a flight of stairs. The sight of Brock gazing down at the mayhem he just caused, letting out a beastly roar, is something that sends a cold shiver up my spine. What a monster.
10. Papa Shango (1992)
Before he was pimpin’ hoes, Charles Wright had a shaved head with a top hat and white makeup on his face. He stalked the WWF superstars as an evil voodoo master and carried around a smoking skull before Stone Cold made them cool. His devilish theme music matched the character perfectly and clearly struck fear in the hearts of little kids, if their expressions on TV were any indication. Having already seen the James Bond film Live and Let Die, I admit to being a bit spooked as well. He is perhaps best known for tormenting the Ultimate Warrior during their memorable feud. In one instance, during an interview he was conducting with Gene Okerlund, some sort of black goo began oozing from the top of Warrior’s scalp. I hate when that happens. In another instance, Shango placed a curse upon Warrior, which caused him to writhe around in agony while being transported backstage on a gourney. What followed was the awesomely cheesy scene of Warrior vomiting pea soup all over some poor medic. If only I had a voodoo doll handy for Vince Russo, TNA would be in a much better place right now.
11. Kane (1997-1998)
With all due respect to Chris Jericho, the greatest debut in WWE history remains that of Kane at Badd Blood 1997. When Paul Bearer finally revealed Undertaker’s not-so-little brother to the world, it was done to perfection. That eerie red light, the outfit with one sleeve exposed, the mask, ripping the Cell door off its hinges, the turnbuckle pyro – you could not ask for a better presentation. More importantly, the original Kane looked SCARY. I wasn’t young enough to be truly frightened by the man, but he just looked like an unstoppable monster. He didn’t speak. He let his actions (and Paul Bearer) do the talking. He hit Vader in the face WITH A WRENCH FOR F*CK SAKE. Not to mention the unlucky technician he set on fire with a bolt of lightning. While I’m still a fan of Kane’s work and am happy to see him have one well-deserved run with the title in 2010, the character really was never the same once he lost his mask and began doing soliloquies with cheesy background music. Putting the mask back on him won’t bring back the Big Red Machine. Oh well, I guess we’ll always have our memories of the big guy uttering his first words (“Suck it!”) on Raw, like the proud parent of a newborn … if that newborn were 6’9” and 320 pounds.
12. Mantaur (1995)
Yes, this was a real character. He was half man, half taur I suppose. Why is he on this list?
JUST LOOK AT THAT PHOTO.
‘Nuff said.
What do YOU think of this list? Agree? Disagree? Leave your comments below and let us know if you think others should have made the final cut!